Grove City Growler

Politician Declares Victory After Shutting Down Store; Workers Celebrate by Filing Unemployment

GROVE CITY, OH — Councilman Darren L. held a press conference Tuesday to announce his latest “major victory”: forcing the closure of a national chain store in town. “Today I stood up to a big corporation and won,” Darren declared, beaming as if he had personally wrestled the deed from corporate headquarters. For the 31 employees suddenly out of work, the celebration felt different. “Guess I’ll stand up to my landlord now,” said cashier Andrea M., carrying a box of personal items. “Maybe Darren can pay my rent while he’s busy collecting applause.” ...

A parody evolution chart starting with 'Toddler,' then 'Teen,' then 'Grown-Ass,' and finally 'Adult,' showing the 'grown-ass' stage holding an energy drink and yelling into a phone.

Experts Confirm: Anyone Saying They Are 'Grown Ass' Has Just Disproved It

BEXLEY, OH — A groundbreaking linguistic study released this week by the Capital University Center for Adult Communication (CUCAC) has confirmed that the phrase “grown ass” serves as a reliable linguistic indicator that the speaker is, in fact, not grown in any meaningful sense. According to the 42-page paper, titled “Lexical Overcompensation in Self-Perceived Maturity: The ‘Grown Ass’ Paradox,” researchers found a 97% inverse correlation between use of the phrase and the actual behaviors associated with adulthood. ...

A woman sits in a doctor’s waiting room, pretending to read a magazine while everyone else glares; her purse on the floor glows or vibrates violently as sound waves radiate from it.

Woman Pretends Not to Hear Phone Screaming Like a Fire Alarm for Full Minute in Doctor's Waiting Room

COLUMBUS, OH — Patients awaiting their appointments were treated to an unplanned soundscape Tuesday when a woman’s phone erupted with a ringtone described by witnesses as “somewhere between a car alarm and a wounded smoke detector.” Despite the piercing sound filling the room, the woman in question appeared committed to her performance of complete ignorance. She continued flipping through a six-month-old People magazine, eyes locked on an article about Ben Affleck’s coffee habits, while her phone blared from deep within her purse. ...

A woman with a terrible haircut stands astride the parking lot, looking defensive

Woman Confused Why Everyone Doesn’t Park in Clearly Labeled VIP Zone Marked 'FIRE LANE'

GROVE CITY, OH — Area shopper Denise W. expressed genuine confusion this week after once again pulling her SUV directly into the yellow-painted, stencil-labeled fire lane in front of a local Kroger. “I mean, it says FIRE LANE in all caps,” she explained, arms full of discounted Hamburger Helper. “That clearly means it’s for the most important customers. It’s right next to the entrance, too. Why would I park way out there by the cart corral like some kind of loser?” ...

Smartphone home screen showing Google Maps icon with a red '23,000' notification badge next to a Facebook icon with none, highlighting ignored traffic alerts.

'How Are the Roads?' Says Woman While Silencing Push Notification From Google That Already Answered Her

GROVE CITY, OH — In a powerful act of technological defiance, local resident Cheryl B. opened Facebook this morning and asked her 436 friends, “How are the roads?"— mere seconds after silencing a Google Maps notification that literally read, “Crash on 270. Expect delays.” “I just like to hear it from real people,” Cheryl said confidently, while ignoring her car’s in-dash alert system, her smartwatch’s haptic warning, and the sound of tires spinning outside her window. “Plus, you never know with Google. Sometimes it exaggerates.” ...

A damp, musty, unfinished basement with chains, a folding chair, and some vaguely suspicious items in it

Why Won't Anyone Paint My Murder Basement for $3.50?

GROVE CITY, OH — Local homeowner and amateur hostage negotiator, Doug B., is baffled by the lack of takers for his generous offer of $3.50 to clean, scrape, tape, prime, and apply three coats of premium paint to what he lovingly refers to as “my murder basement.” “All it needs is 72 hours of nonstop labor in total darkness,” Doug explained, pointing at the peeling walls, exposed wiring, and suspicious drain in the center of the floor. “That’s, what, like the price of a gas station hot dog? Seems fair.” ...

Golden Corral Patrons Vote to Replace Chocolate Fountain With Hand Sanitizer Fountain

STRINGTOWN RD — After one too many incidents involving double-dipping, full-hand immersion, and finger-licking follow-throughs, diners at the Golden Corral on Stringtown Rd have reached a breaking point. In a dramatic yet sticky town-hall-style vote held near the yeast rolls station, patrons overwhelmingly supported a resolution to replace the iconic chocolate fountain with an industrial-grade hand sanitizer dispenser. “It’s a sad day,” said regular patron Marvin L., staring wistfully at the now-drained fountain while wiping ranch dressing off his wrist. “But watching a grown man lick his fingers clean, then go wrist-deep for a strawberry was the last straw. You ever see someone fish out a marshmallow bare-handed, licking between every grab? I have. It changes you.” ...

An empty store front with a sign in the window reading 'coming soon, but you won't like it'

Residents Excited for New Business, As Long As It's Not Literally Any of the Ones That Ever Open

GROVE CITY, OH — Residents erupted in cautious enthusiasm Tuesday after news broke that a new business may be coming to town — with the important caveat that it must not be a bank, coffee chain, steakhouse, Mexican restaurant, fried chicken joint, nail salon, vape shop, data center, or anything else that has ever previously existed. “We’re open to fresh ideas,” said longtime resident Debbie R, “But we don’t want another typical place. Give us something new, unique, and community-focused — you know, like the place that closed last year because no one went.” ...

Cartoonish pile of rejected résumés outside stores with 'Now Hiring' signs

Man Who Complains About Local Employers All Day Mystified That Local Employers Won't Hire Him

GROVE CITY, OH — Local man Thon Vesper, who has spent the last six months publicly criticizing nearly every business within a 20-mile radius on Facebook, is reportedly “shocked” and “deeply confused” that none of those businesses are calling him back about job applications. “I just don’t get it,” said Thon, while typing a 700-word post about how Big Joe’s Tire and Lube is “a front for incompetence and corporate greed.” “I’ve applied everywhere—Kroger, Moo Moo, even that one boutique with the decorative chickens. No callbacks. Nothing. Just silence.” ...

A cat in a heated car seat, wearing a balaclava

Woman Declares 'Tipping Culture Is Out of Control,' Buys Cat a Heated Car Seat and Matching Balaclava

THE PINNACLE — Local resident Melissa D., 38, took to Facebook this week to decry what she calls the “tipping epidemic,” after being mildly inconvenienced by the presence of a tip screen at her local smoothie shop. “Everyone wants a handout these days,” she posted, shortly after purchasing a $329 heated car seat and a custom-knit alpaca balaclava for her cat, Mr. Niblet, who famously “doesn’t like drafts or eye contact.” ...