Grove City Growler

An empty store front with a sign in the window reading 'coming soon, but you won't like it'

Residents Excited for New Business, As Long As It's Not Literally Any of the Ones That Ever Open

GROVE CITY, OH — Residents erupted in cautious enthusiasm Tuesday after news broke that a new business may be coming to town — with the important caveat that it must not be a bank, coffee chain, steakhouse, Mexican restaurant, fried chicken joint, nail salon, vape shop, data center, or anything else that has ever previously existed. “We’re open to fresh ideas,” said longtime resident Debbie R, “But we don’t want another typical place. Give us something new, unique, and community-focused — you know, like the place that closed last year because no one went.” ...

Cartoonish pile of rejected résumés outside stores with 'Now Hiring' signs

Man Who Complains About Local Employers All Day Mystified That Local Employers Won't Hire Him

GROVE CITY, OH — Local man Thon Vesper, who has spent the last six months publicly criticizing nearly every business within a 20-mile radius on Facebook, is reportedly “shocked” and “deeply confused” that none of those businesses are calling him back about job applications. “I just don’t get it,” said Thon, while typing a 700-word post about how Big Joe’s Tire and Lube is “a front for incompetence and corporate greed.” “I’ve applied everywhere—Kroger, Moo Moo, even that one boutique with the decorative chickens. No callbacks. Nothing. Just silence.” ...

A cat in a heated car seat, wearing a balaclava

Woman Declares 'Tipping Culture Is Out of Control,' Buys Cat a Heated Car Seat and Matching Balaclava

THE PINNACLE — Local resident Melissa D., 38, took to Facebook this week to decry what she calls the “tipping epidemic,” after being mildly inconvenienced by the presence of a tip screen at her local smoothie shop. “Everyone wants a handout these days,” she posted, shortly after purchasing a $329 heated car seat and a custom-knit alpaca balaclava for her cat, Mr. Niblet, who famously “doesn’t like drafts or eye contact.” ...

A road sign saying 'Welcome to Grove City', but the 'City' has been covered with duct tape that says 'tucky'

'Grovetucky' Now Officially a Placeholder for People Who Can't Think of an Actual Joke

GROVE CITY, OH — Local sarcasm experts have confirmed what many already suspected: calling Grove City “Grovetucky” is no longer an edgy roast, but merely what people say when they’ve run out of original things to complain about. “It’s kind of like using ‘LOL’ when you’re not laughing,” said humor analyst Dale W., who has spent the last decade studying regional Facebook groups from a secure, undisclosed basement. “Calling it ‘Grovetucky’ doesn’t say anything anymore. It’s just a signal to others that you’re about to be vaguely mad about traffic, roast beef availability, or people existing.” ...

An obnoxious man annoying people with loud music from his car

Blasting Music at Full Volume, Local Man Clearly Late for Brain Surgery He's Performing

GROVE CITY, OH — Residents of Grove City were once again in the presence of staggering intellect Thursday morning as 24-year-old Bryce T. rolled through town in his 2009 Dodge Charger, broadcasting bass so loud it dislodged a school crossing sign and at least two memories. Witnesses confirmed that the music could be heard three intersections away — a clear indicator that Bryce was on his way to perform emergency brain surgery, present groundbreaking AI research, or possibly negotiate world peace. ...

Bumper to bumper traffic on Stringtown road, one of the busiest streets in Grove City

Stringtown Road Added to National Register of Parking Lots

STRINGTOWN, RD — In a landmark decision, the U.S. Department of Transportation has officially added Stringtown Road to the National Register of Parking Lots, recognizing its “outstanding and continuous service as a non-moving vehicle display area.” The designation came after a years-long review process, during which inspectors confirmed that traffic on Stringtown routinely sits motionless for up to 17 hours a day, seven days a week, rain or shine, school drop-off or Taco Tuesday. ...

A collage of images: a man greeting a couple at a door, a suspicious woman with arms crossed, hymn lyrics on a TV, a pair of women wearing matching 'Serve Team' t-shirts

Church Called 'Culty' for Having a Greeter, a Website, and Matching T-Shirts

ASHVILLE, OH — A local woman has publicly accused a completely ordinary church of being a “full-blown cult,” citing unsettling evidence such as friendly greeters, a functioning website, and — most damning of all — coordinated volunteer T-shirts. “I walked in and was immediately ambushed by a man who said good morning to me,” said Tabitha L., 32, visibly shaken in her Facebook Live video titled “Escaping the Grip.” “He smiled like he knew my name. No one just smiles like that unless something dark is going on.” ...

An alpaca at Big Splash, with a pool and waterslide in the background

Rogue Alpaca "Just Kind of Vibing" Near Big Splash

SOUTHWEST BLVD — Residents were both delighted and deeply confused Thursday morning when a rogue alpaca was spotted loitering near Big Splash, calmly chewing grass and giving off what witnesses described as “weirdly chill energy.” “I thought it was a really hairy deer at first,” said local dad Kevin B., who spotted the alpaca while trying to avoid eye contact at swim lessons. “Then it made eye contact with me like I was the intruder.” ...

A parade of complainers, some holding signs, walking down Broadway

Complainers March Proudly in Grove City Parade, Demand Someone Else Fix Everything

DOWNTOWN BROADWAY, GROVE CITY — In a stunning display of civic engagement, dozens of local residents turned out this weekend for the inaugural Grove City Complainers Parade, proudly marching down Broadway while airing grievances about everything from potholes to the weather. The parade, organized entirely on Facebook comment threads, featured handmade signs reading “SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING” and “WHY ISN’T THIS DONE YET”. When asked what solutions they might propose, 45-year-old Randy, wearing cargo shorts and a Bluetooth earpiece from 2009, replied, “What do you mean ‘I should do something about it’?” ...

A screenshot of a rambling Facebook post with a picture of a stray tarp on a street corner behind it.

Facebook Post May Contain Words, Intent Unknown

GROVE CITY, OH — A Facebook post in Grove City Connect left readers stunned and emotionally off-balance Thursday after a lengthy, punctuation-free message from local resident Gina M. failed to convey… well, anything, really. The original post, which has since racked up 87 comments, read in full: so if your gonna be their then it’s like ok but your not when you said you was so like idk why ppl got to start stufft like that but I herd from someone who’s close too them that there not even aloud to say nothing bc the other thing that happened and ya’ll no what I mean if not then ok but I’m just sayin not tryin 2 start drama just bein honest cause it be what it be but ur the one who’s always got somehin too say and still hasn’t gave back my tarp ...