GROVE CITY, OH — Local man Gary M., 58, once again expressed outrage this week after being mildly inconvenienced by the exact experience he willingly chooses every single day. “There were only two people working,” Gary barked into his steering wheel. “Back in my day, you had five kids on the grill, three on the register, and at least two adults with master’s degrees as managers. That’s how you run a restaurant.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — In a bold but widely expected move, Grove City Community Facebook Group has announced it will officially rebrand as Lost & Found & Found Again, reflecting its primary use: reporting the whereabouts of various pets, packages, and patio cushions. Sources confirm that as of this morning, the top posts were: Lost dog (tan, maybe brown, possibly named Waffles) Found dog (not Waffles) Lost package from Amazon, possibly stolen, definitely disappointing Found cat — possibly wild, possibly angry Lost package (again, Amazon, again mysterious) “Whose dog is this?” (photo attached, blurry, definitely not a dog) Found flip-flop on Alkire — “not mine but seems friendly” “Mechanic ??” - possibly about a missing mechanic. Found dog (it’s Waffles!), but got away “I came here for city updates,” said local user Denise R., “and now I’m emotionally invested in a missing ferret named Buttons.” ...

UNITED STATES — Linguists at The Ohio State University have confirmed what many already suspected: Americans will create an entire new language rather than simply say “dog” or “cat.” The study found that pet owners commonly rotate through terms such as “fur baby,” “goodest boy,” “doggo,” “pupper,” “meow-meow,” “floof,” “chonker,” and “void,” all while steadfastly avoiding the perfectly serviceable English words already available. “It’s not a cat,” insisted local resident Amanda P. “It’s my son, Mr. Meowkins, Esq. And he is a brave warrior who protects me from moths.” Amanda then pulled out a scrapbook labeled “Baby Book” featuring 600 photos of “her son” licking a cardboard box. ...

GROVE CITY, OH — In a rousing display of modern irony, local resident Kelly M. logged onto Facebook Thursday evening to deliver a scathing monologue about the evils of giant corporations, moments before tagging three friends and checking Marketplace for discounted patio furniture. “I just think it’s disgusting how these big companies exploit people and take over communities,” Kelly typed, her fingers smudged with Raising Cane sauce. “We all need to stand up and support small business.” ...

GROVE CITY — In a bold show of efficiency over the most microscopic amount of effort, a local Facebook group member once again typed the ceremonial phrase “Please delete if not allowed” rather than scrolling the three-quarters of an inch required to view the prominently pinned group rules. The group rules, which consist of three bullet points (“No ads,” “No politics,” and “Be normal”), were positioned directly above the post in question. ...

MOUNT STERLING, OH — Local resident Brent Collier, 46, expressed outrage Monday over “soulless automation stealing honest American jobs,” despite admitting moments later that he “wouldn’t be caught dead” doing any of those jobs himself. “I just think it’s sad,” said Collier, gesturing toward the self-checkout kiosks at a local grocery store. “These machines are taking work away from real people — you know, people who want to stand here for eight hours scanning soup cans while a line of customers sighs loudly at them. Not me, obviously, but people.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Councilman Darren L. held a press conference Tuesday to announce his latest “major victory”: forcing the closure of a national chain store in town. “Today I stood up to a big corporation and won,” Darren declared, beaming as if he had personally wrestled the deed from corporate headquarters. For the 31 employees suddenly out of work, the celebration felt different. “Guess I’ll stand up to my landlord now,” said cashier Andrea M., carrying a box of personal items. “Maybe Darren can pay my rent while he’s busy collecting applause.” ...

BEXLEY, OH — A groundbreaking linguistic study released this week by the Capital University Center for Adult Communication (CUCAC) has confirmed that the phrase “grown ass” serves as a reliable linguistic indicator that the speaker is, in fact, not grown in any meaningful sense. According to the 42-page paper, titled “Lexical Overcompensation in Self-Perceived Maturity: The ‘Grown Ass’ Paradox,” researchers found a 97% inverse correlation between use of the phrase and the actual behaviors associated with adulthood. ...

COLUMBUS, OH — Patients awaiting their appointments were treated to an unplanned soundscape Tuesday when a woman’s phone erupted with a ringtone described by witnesses as “somewhere between a car alarm and a wounded smoke detector.” Despite the piercing sound filling the room, the woman in question appeared committed to her performance of complete ignorance. She continued flipping through a six-month-old People magazine, eyes locked on an article about Ben Affleck’s coffee habits, while her phone blared from deep within her purse. ...