SOUTHWEST BLVD — Residents were both delighted and deeply confused Thursday morning when a rogue alpaca was spotted loitering near Big Splash, calmly chewing grass and giving off what witnesses described as “weirdly chill energy.” “I thought it was a really hairy deer at first,” said local dad Kevin B., who spotted the alpaca while trying to avoid eye contact at swim lessons. “Then it made eye contact with me like I was the intruder.” ...
DOWNTOWN BROADWAY, GROVE CITY — In a stunning display of civic engagement, dozens of local residents turned out this weekend for the inaugural Grove City Complainers Parade, proudly marching down Broadway while airing grievances about everything from potholes to the weather. The parade, organized entirely on Facebook comment threads, featured handmade signs reading “SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING” and “WHY ISN’T THIS DONE YET”. When asked what solutions they might propose, 45-year-old Randy, wearing cargo shorts and a Bluetooth earpiece from 2009, replied, “What do you mean ‘I should do something about it’?” ...
GROVE CITY, OH — A Facebook post in Grove City Connect left readers stunned and emotionally off-balance Thursday after a lengthy, punctuation-free message from local resident Gina M. failed to convey… well, anything, really. The original post, which has since racked up 87 comments, read in full: so if your gonna be their then it’s like ok but your not when you said you was so like idk why ppl got to start stufft like that but I herd from someone who’s close too them that there not even aloud to say nothing bc the other thing that happened and ya’ll no what I mean if not then ok but I’m just sayin not tryin 2 start drama just bein honest cause it be what it be but ur the one who’s always got somehin too say and still hasn’t gave back my tarp ...
SOUTHWESTERN CITY SCHOOL DISTRICT, OH — Local resident Carl Henders, 58, was seen standing in his driveway Tuesday afternoon yelling “Too much housing!” at a passing construction truck — all while sipping a Busch Light and sitting comfortably in the same home he’s lived in for over three decades. “It’s just too much,” said Henders, gesturing vaguely toward a new development half a mile away. “Used to be cornfields. Now it’s townhomes with their Wi-Fi and their Teslas. Whole place’s gone soft.” ...
GROVE CITY, OH — As July approaches, Grove City enters its annual tradition of explosive noise, trembling dogs, emotional Facebook posts, and one guy named Gary who believes true freedom requires lighting military-grade fireworks every night until Labor Day. Local dogs have begun their standard evasive maneuvers — hiding under couches, crawling into hampers, and vanishing behind toilets — while their humans prepare social media drafts titled “Please Think of the Fur Babies” and “Your Fireworks Are a Personal Attack on My Rescue Puggle.” ...
GROVE CITY, OH — Tensions reached moderate levels of inconvenience this week as several drivers reported having to tap their brakes slightly due to a golf cart driving legally and peacefully on a neighborhood road. “I was on my way to pick up a mobile order at Wendy’s,” said resident Kyle M., visibly shaken, “and I had to slow down from 34 to, like, 28. It was chaos. My Frosty window was in danger.” ...
GROVE CITY, OH — Residents in favor of bringing marijuana dispensaries to Grove City say it’s time the town embraced a bold new aroma to complement its existing landfill bouquet. “Right now it’s all hot trash and mystery broth,” said local advocate Shane P., lighting a citrus-scented candle under his nose. “Adding skunk weed could turn this into a total smell disaster.” Opponents argue that dispensaries would only worsen the town’s olfactory profile, which currently ranks somewhere between burning mulch and expired hoagie depending on wind direction. ...
GROVE CITY, OH — In an ambitious display of Midwestern humility, a brand-new Grove City satire website has launched, proudly touting itself as “basically The Babylon Bee, if The Babylon Bee was written on a Chromebook in a basement, fueled entirely by Transcend coffee.” The anonymous creator says the project’s mission is simple: “We noticed Grove City had no dedicated satire outlet, and frankly, we intend to keep it that way. This is more of a hobby.” ...