GROVE CITY — A local black man, identified repeatedly and consistently as a black man, expressed concern Tuesday that the word black may be doing more work in this article than strictly necessary. The black man, a 42-year-old black Grove City resident and lifelong black Ohioan, said he first noticed the issue when he was referred to as a “local black man” in a short news brief about a black man returning a lost wallet to a local business. The wallet, notably, was not described as black. ...
GROVE CITY, OH — It’s a new year. A fresh start. A clean slate. A time for bold resolutions like “I’m going to post fewer blurry screenshots” or “I’m going to stop writing Facebook statuses like I’m fighting my keyboard.” You’ve learned to type. Truly. We’re proud of you. Unfortunately, the rest of us still have to read what comes out. So here’s a friendly, slightly judgmental New Year’s resolution guide to help your posts look less like they were written in the Stringtown Road Kroger parking lot at 9:47 pm. ...
GROVE CITY, OH — A newly released report from the Center for Political Politics has concluded that increased exposure to politics may cause dangerously high levels of additional politics. “We found a strong, consistent correlation between politics and more politics,” said Dr. Janice Wetherby, lead researcher and part-time sigh enthusiast. “In some cases, individuals who engaged in politics more than three times a day began experiencing symptoms of chronic politics — such as arguing with their toaster, posting memes about senators, or starting podcasts.” ...
GROVE CITY, OH — Local man Gary M., 58, once again expressed outrage this week after being mildly inconvenienced by the exact experience he willingly chooses every single day. “There were only two people working,” Gary barked into his steering wheel. “Back in my day, you had five kids on the grill, three on the register, and at least two adults with master’s degrees as managers. That’s how you run a restaurant.” ...
GROVE CITY, OH — In a bold but widely expected move, Grove City Community Facebook Group has announced it will officially rebrand as Lost & Found & Found Again, reflecting its primary use: reporting the whereabouts of various pets, packages, and patio cushions. Sources confirm that as of this morning, the top posts were: Lost dog (tan, maybe brown, possibly named Waffles) Found dog (not Waffles) Lost package from Amazon, possibly stolen, definitely disappointing Found cat — possibly wild, possibly angry Lost package (again, Amazon, again mysterious) “Whose dog is this?” (photo attached, blurry, definitely not a dog) Found flip-flop on Alkire — “not mine but seems friendly” “Mechanic ??” - possibly about a missing mechanic. Found dog (it’s Waffles!), but got away “I came here for city updates,” said local user Denise R., “and now I’m emotionally invested in a missing ferret named Buttons.” ...
UNITED STATES — Linguists at The Ohio State University have confirmed what many already suspected: Americans will create an entire new language rather than simply say “dog” or “cat.” The study found that pet owners commonly rotate through terms such as “fur baby,” “goodest boy,” “doggo,” “pupper,” “meow-meow,” “floof,” “chonker,” and “void,” all while steadfastly avoiding the perfectly serviceable English words already available. “It’s not a cat,” insisted local resident Amanda P. “It’s my son, Mr. Meowkins, Esq. And he is a brave warrior who protects me from moths.” Amanda then pulled out a scrapbook labeled “Baby Book” featuring 600 photos of “her son” licking a cardboard box. ...
GROVE CITY, OH — In a rousing display of modern irony, local resident Kelly M. logged onto Facebook Thursday evening to deliver a scathing monologue about the evils of giant corporations, moments before tagging three friends and checking Marketplace for discounted patio furniture. “I just think it’s disgusting how these big companies exploit people and take over communities,” Kelly typed, her fingers smudged with Raising Cane sauce. “We all need to stand up and support small business.” ...
GROVE CITY — In a bold show of efficiency over the most microscopic amount of effort, a local Facebook group member once again typed the ceremonial phrase “Please delete if not allowed” rather than scrolling the three-quarters of an inch required to view the prominently pinned group rules. The group rules, which consist of three bullet points (“No ads,” “No politics,” and “Be normal”), were positioned directly above the post in question. ...
MOUNT STERLING, OH — Local resident Brent Collier, 46, expressed outrage Monday over “soulless automation stealing honest American jobs,” despite admitting moments later that he “wouldn’t be caught dead” doing any of those jobs himself. “I just think it’s sad,” said Collier, gesturing toward the self-checkout kiosks at a local grocery store. “These machines are taking work away from real people — you know, people who want to stand here for eight hours scanning soup cans while a line of customers sighs loudly at them. Not me, obviously, but people.” ...
GROVE CITY, OH — Councilman Darren L. held a press conference Tuesday to announce his latest “major victory”: forcing the closure of a national chain store in town. “Today I stood up to a big corporation and won,” Darren declared, beaming as if he had personally wrestled the deed from corporate headquarters. For the 31 employees suddenly out of work, the celebration felt different. “Guess I’ll stand up to my landlord now,” said cashier Andrea M., carrying a box of personal items. “Maybe Darren can pay my rent while he’s busy collecting applause.” ...