Animals

UNITED STATES — Linguists at The Ohio State University have confirmed what many already suspected: Americans will create an entire new language rather than simply say “dog” or “cat.” The study found that pet owners commonly rotate through terms such as “fur baby,” “goodest boy,” “doggo,” “pupper,” “meow-meow,” “floof,” “chonker,” and “void,” all while steadfastly avoiding the perfectly serviceable English words already available. “It’s not a cat,” insisted local resident Amanda P. “It’s my son, Mr. Meowkins, Esq. And he is a brave warrior who protects me from moths.” Amanda then pulled out a scrapbook labeled “Baby Book” featuring 600 photos of “her son” licking a cardboard box. ...

SOUTHWEST BLVD — Residents were both delighted and deeply confused Thursday morning when a rogue alpaca was spotted loitering near Big Splash, calmly chewing grass and giving off what witnesses described as “weirdly chill energy.” “I thought it was a really hairy deer at first,” said local dad Kevin B., who spotted the alpaca while trying to avoid eye contact at swim lessons. “Then it made eye contact with me like I was the intruder.” ...