Culture

A parody evolution chart starting with 'Toddler,' then 'Teen,' then 'Grown-Ass,' and finally 'Adult,' showing the 'grown-ass' stage holding an energy drink and yelling into a phone.

Experts Confirm: Anyone Saying They Are 'Grown Ass' Has Just Disproved It

BEXLEY, OH — A groundbreaking linguistic study released this week by the Capital University Center for Adult Communication (CUCAC) has confirmed that the phrase “grown ass” serves as a reliable linguistic indicator that the speaker is, in fact, not grown in any meaningful sense. According to the 42-page paper, titled “Lexical Overcompensation in Self-Perceived Maturity: The ‘Grown Ass’ Paradox,” researchers found a 97% inverse correlation between use of the phrase and the actual behaviors associated with adulthood. ...

A woman sits in a doctor’s waiting room, pretending to read a magazine while everyone else glares; her purse on the floor glows or vibrates violently as sound waves radiate from it.

Woman Pretends Not to Hear Phone Screaming Like a Fire Alarm for Full Minute in Doctor's Waiting Room

COLUMBUS, OH — Patients awaiting their appointments were treated to an unplanned soundscape Tuesday when a woman’s phone erupted with a ringtone described by witnesses as “somewhere between a car alarm and a wounded smoke detector.” Despite the piercing sound filling the room, the woman in question appeared committed to her performance of complete ignorance. She continued flipping through a six-month-old People magazine, eyes locked on an article about Ben Affleck’s coffee habits, while her phone blared from deep within her purse. ...

Golden Corral Patrons Vote to Replace Chocolate Fountain With Hand Sanitizer Fountain

STRINGTOWN RD — After one too many incidents involving double-dipping, full-hand immersion, and finger-licking follow-throughs, diners at the Golden Corral on Stringtown Rd have reached a breaking point. In a dramatic yet sticky town-hall-style vote held near the yeast rolls station, patrons overwhelmingly supported a resolution to replace the iconic chocolate fountain with an industrial-grade hand sanitizer dispenser. “It’s a sad day,” said regular patron Marvin L., staring wistfully at the now-drained fountain while wiping ranch dressing off his wrist. “But watching a grown man lick his fingers clean, then go wrist-deep for a strawberry was the last straw. You ever see someone fish out a marshmallow bare-handed, licking between every grab? I have. It changes you.” ...

A road sign saying 'Welcome to Grove City', but the 'City' has been covered with duct tape that says 'tucky'

'Grovetucky' Now Officially a Placeholder for People Who Can't Think of an Actual Joke

GROVE CITY, OH — Local sarcasm experts have confirmed what many already suspected: calling Grove City “Grovetucky” is no longer an edgy roast, but merely what people say when they’ve run out of original things to complain about. “It’s kind of like using ‘LOL’ when you’re not laughing,” said humor analyst Dale W., who has spent the last decade studying regional Facebook groups from a secure, undisclosed basement. “Calling it ‘Grovetucky’ doesn’t say anything anymore. It’s just a signal to others that you’re about to be vaguely mad about traffic, roast beef availability, or people existing.” ...