Housing

GROVE CITY, OH — Local homeowner and amateur hostage negotiator, Doug B., is baffled by the lack of takers for his generous offer of $3.50 to clean, scrape, tape, prime, and apply three coats of premium paint to what he lovingly refers to as “my murder basement.” “All it needs is 72 hours of nonstop labor in total darkness,” Doug explained, pointing at the peeling walls, exposed wiring, and suspicious drain in the center of the floor. “That’s, what, like the price of a gas station hot dog? Seems fair.” ...

SOUTHWESTERN CITY SCHOOL DISTRICT, OH — Local resident Carl Henders, 58, was seen standing in his driveway Tuesday afternoon yelling “Too much housing!” at a passing construction truck — all while sipping a Busch Light and sitting comfortably in the same home he’s lived in for over three decades. “It’s just too much,” said Henders, gesturing vaguely toward a new development half a mile away. “Used to be cornfields. Now it’s townhomes with their Wi-Fi and their Teslas. Whole place’s gone soft.” ...