Politics

GROVE CITY, OH — A newly released report from the Center for Political Politics has concluded that increased exposure to politics may cause dangerously high levels of additional politics. “We found a strong, consistent correlation between politics and more politics,” said Dr. Janice Wetherby, lead researcher and part-time sigh enthusiast. “In some cases, individuals who engaged in politics more than three times a day began experiencing symptoms of chronic politics — such as arguing with their toaster, posting memes about senators, or starting podcasts.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Councilman Darren L. held a press conference Tuesday to announce his latest “major victory”: forcing the closure of a national chain store in town. “Today I stood up to a big corporation and won,” Darren declared, beaming as if he had personally wrestled the deed from corporate headquarters. For the 31 employees suddenly out of work, the celebration felt different. “Guess I’ll stand up to my landlord now,” said cashier Andrea M., carrying a box of personal items. “Maybe Darren can pay my rent while he’s busy collecting applause.” ...