Traffic

GROVE CITY, OH — In a powerful act of technological defiance, local resident Cheryl B. opened Facebook this morning and asked her 436 friends, “How are the roads?"— mere seconds after silencing a Google Maps notification that literally read, “Crash on 270. Expect delays.” “I just like to hear it from real people,” Cheryl said confidently, while ignoring her car’s in-dash alert system, her smartwatch’s haptic warning, and the sound of tires spinning outside her window. “Plus, you never know with Google. Sometimes it exaggerates.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Residents of Grove City were once again in the presence of staggering intellect Thursday morning as 24-year-old Bryce T. rolled through town in his 2009 Dodge Charger, broadcasting bass so loud it dislodged a school crossing sign and at least two memories. Witnesses confirmed that the music could be heard three intersections away — a clear indicator that Bryce was on his way to perform emergency brain surgery, present groundbreaking AI research, or possibly negotiate world peace. ...

STRINGTOWN, RD — In a landmark decision, the U.S. Department of Transportation has officially added Stringtown Road to the National Register of Parking Lots, recognizing its “outstanding and continuous service as a non-moving vehicle display area.” The designation came after a years-long review process, during which inspectors confirmed that traffic on Stringtown routinely sits motionless for up to 17 hours a day, seven days a week, rain or shine, school drop-off or Taco Tuesday. ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Tensions reached moderate levels of inconvenience this week as several drivers reported having to tap their brakes slightly due to a golf cart driving legally and peacefully on a neighborhood road. “I was on my way to pick up a mobile order at Wendy’s,” said resident Kyle M., visibly shaken, “and I had to slow down from 34 to, like, 28. It was chaos. My Frosty window was in danger.” ...