GROVE CITY, OH — Local sarcasm experts have confirmed what many already suspected: calling Grove City “Grovetucky” is no longer an edgy roast, but merely what people say when they’ve run out of original things to complain about. “It’s kind of like using ‘LOL’ when you’re not laughing,” said humor analyst Dale W., who has spent the last decade studying regional Facebook groups from a secure, undisclosed basement. “Calling it ‘Grovetucky’ doesn’t say anything anymore. It’s just a signal to others that you’re about to be vaguely mad about traffic, roast beef availability, or people existing.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Residents of Grove City were once again in the presence of staggering intellect Thursday morning as 24-year-old Bryce T. rolled through town in his 2009 Dodge Charger, broadcasting bass so loud it dislodged a school crossing sign and at least two memories. Witnesses confirmed that the music could be heard three intersections away — a clear indicator that Bryce was on his way to perform emergency brain surgery, present groundbreaking AI research, or possibly negotiate world peace. ...

STRINGTOWN, RD — In a landmark decision, the U.S. Department of Transportation has officially added Stringtown Road to the National Register of Parking Lots, recognizing its “outstanding and continuous service as a non-moving vehicle display area.” The designation came after a years-long review process, during which inspectors confirmed that traffic on Stringtown routinely sits motionless for up to 17 hours a day, seven days a week, rain or shine, school drop-off or Taco Tuesday. ...

ASHVILLE, OH — A local woman has publicly accused a completely ordinary church of being a “full-blown cult,” citing unsettling evidence such as friendly greeters, a functioning website, and — most damning of all — coordinated volunteer T-shirts. “I walked in and was immediately ambushed by a man who said good morning to me,” said Tabitha L., 32, visibly shaken in her Facebook Live video titled “Escaping the Grip.” “He smiled like he knew my name. No one just smiles like that unless something dark is going on.” ...

SOUTHWEST BLVD — Residents were both delighted and deeply confused Thursday morning when a rogue alpaca was spotted loitering near Big Splash, calmly chewing grass and giving off what witnesses described as “weirdly chill energy.” “I thought it was a really hairy deer at first,” said local dad Kevin B., who spotted the alpaca while trying to avoid eye contact at swim lessons. “Then it made eye contact with me like I was the intruder.” ...

DOWNTOWN BROADWAY, GROVE CITY — In a stunning display of civic engagement, dozens of local residents turned out this weekend for the inaugural Grove City Complainers Parade, proudly marching down Broadway while airing grievances about everything from potholes to the weather. The parade, organized entirely on Facebook comment threads, featured handmade signs reading “SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING” and “WHY ISN’T THIS DONE YET”. When asked what solutions they might propose, 45-year-old Randy, wearing cargo shorts and a Bluetooth earpiece from 2009, replied, “What do you mean ‘I should do something about it’?” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — A Facebook post in Grove City Connect left readers stunned and emotionally off-balance Thursday after a lengthy, punctuation-free message from local resident Gina M. failed to convey… well, anything, really. The original post, which has since racked up 87 comments, read in full: so if your gonna be their then it’s like ok but your not when you said you was so like idk why ppl got to start stufft like that but I herd from someone who’s close too them that there not even aloud to say nothing bc the other thing that happened and ya’ll no what I mean if not then ok but I’m just sayin not tryin 2 start drama just bein honest cause it be what it be but ur the one who’s always got somehin too say and still hasn’t gave back my tarp ...

SOUTHWESTERN CITY SCHOOL DISTRICT, OH — Local resident Carl Henders, 58, was seen standing in his driveway Tuesday afternoon yelling “Too much housing!” at a passing construction truck — all while sipping a Busch Light and sitting comfortably in the same home he’s lived in for over three decades. “It’s just too much,” said Henders, gesturing vaguely toward a new development half a mile away. “Used to be cornfields. Now it’s townhomes with their Wi-Fi and their Teslas. Whole place’s gone soft.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — As July approaches, Grove City enters its annual tradition of explosive noise, trembling dogs, emotional Facebook posts, and one guy named Gary who believes true freedom requires lighting military-grade fireworks every night until Labor Day. Local dogs have begun their standard evasive maneuvers — hiding under couches, crawling into hampers, and vanishing behind toilets — while their humans prepare social media drafts titled “Please Think of the Fur Babies” and “Your Fireworks Are a Personal Attack on My Rescue Puggle.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Tensions reached moderate levels of inconvenience this week as several drivers reported having to tap their brakes slightly due to a golf cart driving legally and peacefully on a neighborhood road. “I was on my way to pick up a mobile order at Wendy’s,” said resident Kyle M., visibly shaken, “and I had to slow down from 34 to, like, 28. It was chaos. My Frosty window was in danger.” ...