Grove City Growler

A middle-aged man shaking his fist and yelling, with his split-level house in the background

'Too Much Housing!' Yells Man Who Won't Move

SOUTHWESTERN CITY SCHOOL DISTRICT, OH — Local resident Carl Henders, 58, was seen standing in his driveway Tuesday afternoon yelling “Too much housing!” at a passing construction truck — all while sipping a Busch Light and sitting comfortably in the same home he’s lived in for over three decades. “It’s just too much,” said Henders, gesturing vaguely toward a new development half a mile away. “Used to be cornfields. Now it’s townhomes with their Wi-Fi and their Teslas. Whole place’s gone soft.” ...

A man with a Roman candle in his mouth like a cigar, wearing a white sleeveless t-shirt with stains and tears

Firework Complaint Season Begins As Dogs Panic, Owners Overreact, and Gary From Down the Street Lights M-80s at 2AM

GROVE CITY, OH — As July approaches, Grove City enters its annual tradition of explosive noise, trembling dogs, emotional Facebook posts, and one guy named Gary who believes true freedom requires lighting military-grade fireworks every night until Labor Day. Local dogs have begun their standard evasive maneuvers — hiding under couches, crawling into hampers, and vanishing behind toilets — while their humans prepare social media drafts titled “Please Think of the Fur Babies” and “Your Fireworks Are a Personal Attack on My Rescue Puggle.” ...

Angry car driver yelling at golf cart driver

Locals Outraged After Being Forced to Acknowledge Golf Carts Exist for Nearly 5 Seconds

GROVE CITY, OH — Tensions reached moderate levels of inconvenience this week as several drivers reported having to tap their brakes slightly due to a golf cart driving legally and peacefully on a neighborhood road. “I was on my way to pick up a mobile order at Wendy’s,” said resident Kyle M., visibly shaken, “and I had to slow down from 34 to, like, 28. It was chaos. My Frosty window was in danger.” ...

A pot smoking long-haired man wearing tie-dye enjoys a stinky joint that combines smells with a landfill, 4 people looking on are holding their noses.

Locals Advocate for Dispensaries to Add Rich Layer of Skunk to Landfill Air

GROVE CITY, OH — Residents in favor of bringing marijuana dispensaries to Grove City say it’s time the town embraced a bold new aroma to complement its existing landfill bouquet. “Right now it’s all hot trash and mystery broth,” said local advocate Shane P., lighting a citrus-scented candle under his nose. “Adding skunk weed could turn this into a total smell disaster.” Opponents argue that dispensaries would only worsen the town’s olfactory profile, which currently ranks somewhere between burning mulch and expired hoagie depending on wind direction. ...

Old fashioned typewriter. On the paper is typed 'Grove City Growler' TODO: write funny jook(sp), and 'out of roast beef' is crossed out

Grove City Launches Its Own Satire Site, Boldly Declares: 'We're Basically The Babylon Bee, But With Worse Jokes And No Budget'

GROVE CITY, OH — In an ambitious display of Midwestern humility, a brand-new Grove City satire website has launched, proudly touting itself as “basically The Babylon Bee, if The Babylon Bee was written on a Chromebook in a basement, fueled entirely by Transcend coffee.” The anonymous creator says the project’s mission is simple: “We noticed Grove City had no dedicated satire outlet, and frankly, we intend to keep it that way. This is more of a hobby.” ...