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GROVE CITY, OH — In a powerful act of technological defiance, local resident Cheryl B. opened Facebook this morning and asked her 436 friends, “How are the roads?"— mere seconds after silencing a Google Maps notification that literally read, “Crash on 270. Expect delays.” “I just like to hear it from real people,” Cheryl said confidently, while ignoring her car’s in-dash alert system, her smartwatch’s haptic warning, and the sound of tires spinning outside her window. “Plus, you never know with Google. Sometimes it exaggerates.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Local homeowner and amateur hostage negotiator, Doug B., is baffled by the lack of takers for his generous offer of $3.50 to clean, scrape, tape, prime, and apply three coats of premium paint to what he lovingly refers to as “my murder basement.” “All it needs is 72 hours of nonstop labor in total darkness,” Doug explained, pointing at the peeling walls, exposed wiring, and suspicious drain in the center of the floor. “That’s, what, like the price of a gas station hot dog? Seems fair.” ...

STRINGTOWN RD — After one too many incidents involving double-dipping, full-hand immersion, and finger-licking follow-throughs, diners at the Golden Corral on Stringtown Rd have reached a breaking point. In a dramatic yet sticky town-hall-style vote held near the yeast rolls station, patrons overwhelmingly supported a resolution to replace the iconic chocolate fountain with an industrial-grade hand sanitizer dispenser. “It’s a sad day,” said regular patron Marvin L., staring wistfully at the now-drained fountain while wiping ranch dressing off his wrist. “But watching a grown man lick his fingers clean, then go wrist-deep for a strawberry was the last straw. You ever see someone fish out a marshmallow bare-handed, licking between every grab? I have. It changes you.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Residents erupted in cautious enthusiasm Tuesday after news broke that a new business may be coming to town — with the important caveat that it must not be a bank, coffee chain, steakhouse, Mexican restaurant, fried chicken joint, nail salon, vape shop, data center, or anything else that has ever previously existed. “We’re open to fresh ideas,” said longtime resident Debbie R, “But we don’t want another typical place. Give us something new, unique, and community-focused — you know, like the place that closed last year because no one went.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Local man Thon Vesper, who has spent the last six months publicly criticizing nearly every business within a 20-mile radius on Facebook, is reportedly “shocked” and “deeply confused” that none of those businesses are calling him back about job applications. “I just don’t get it,” said Thon, while typing a 700-word post about how Big Joe’s Tire and Lube is “a front for incompetence and corporate greed.” “I’ve applied everywhere—Kroger, Moo Moo, even that one boutique with the decorative chickens. No callbacks. Nothing. Just silence.” ...

THE PINNACLE — Local resident Melissa D., 38, took to Facebook this week to decry what she calls the “tipping epidemic,” after being mildly inconvenienced by the presence of a tip screen at her local smoothie shop. “Everyone wants a handout these days,” she posted, shortly after purchasing a $329 heated car seat and a custom-knit alpaca balaclava for her cat, Mr. Niblet, who famously “doesn’t like drafts or eye contact.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Local sarcasm experts have confirmed what many already suspected: calling Grove City “Grovetucky” is no longer an edgy roast, but merely what people say when they’ve run out of original things to complain about. “It’s kind of like using ‘LOL’ when you’re not laughing,” said humor analyst Dale W., who has spent the last decade studying regional Facebook groups from a secure, undisclosed basement. “Calling it ‘Grovetucky’ doesn’t say anything anymore. It’s just a signal to others that you’re about to be vaguely mad about traffic, roast beef availability, or people existing.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Residents of Grove City were once again in the presence of staggering intellect Thursday morning as 24-year-old Bryce T. rolled through town in his 2009 Dodge Charger, broadcasting bass so loud it dislodged a school crossing sign and at least two memories. Witnesses confirmed that the music could be heard three intersections away — a clear indicator that Bryce was on his way to perform emergency brain surgery, present groundbreaking AI research, or possibly negotiate world peace. ...

STRINGTOWN, RD — In a landmark decision, the U.S. Department of Transportation has officially added Stringtown Road to the National Register of Parking Lots, recognizing its “outstanding and continuous service as a non-moving vehicle display area.” The designation came after a years-long review process, during which inspectors confirmed that traffic on Stringtown routinely sits motionless for up to 17 hours a day, seven days a week, rain or shine, school drop-off or Taco Tuesday. ...

ASHVILLE, OH — A local woman has publicly accused a completely ordinary church of being a “full-blown cult,” citing unsettling evidence such as friendly greeters, a functioning website, and — most damning of all — coordinated volunteer T-shirts. “I walked in and was immediately ambushed by a man who said good morning to me,” said Tabitha L., 32, visibly shaken in her Facebook Live video titled “Escaping the Grip.” “He smiled like he knew my name. No one just smiles like that unless something dark is going on.” ...