GROVE CITY, OH — It’s a new year. A fresh start. A clean slate. A time for bold resolutions like “I’m going to post fewer blurry screenshots” or “I’m going to stop writing Facebook statuses like I’m fighting my keyboard.”
You’ve learned to type. Truly. We’re proud of you. Unfortunately, the rest of us still have to read what comes out.
So here’s a friendly, slightly judgmental New Year’s resolution guide to help your posts look less like they were written in the Stringtown Road Kroger parking lot at 9:47 pm.
1. There / Their / They’re
- There = a place
- Their = they own it
- They’re = they are
Use the wrong one and your third-grade teacher will manifest in your living room, red pen in hand, disappointment fully charged.
2. To / Too / Two
- To = direction
- Too = also / excessive
- Two = the number you learned before you learned fractions
Mess this up and you’re too two much for everyone.
3. It’s / Its
- It’s = it is
- Its = belongs to it
Forget the difference and your sentence suddenly looks like it wandered off behind the Harbor Freight and never came back.
4. Lose / Loose
- You lose your keys
- Your pants are loose
Mix them up and you’ll loose all respect.
5. Im / I’m
- I’m has an apostrophe
- Im is what happens when Shift feels like “too much work”
This gives off “Im not sure where the apostrophe key is” energy.
6. Definitely / Defiantly
- Definitely = for sure
- Defiantly = with rebellion
Write “I defiantly love tacos” and now you sound like you’re about to square up with the waiter at El Vaquero.
7. A lot / Alot
- A lot = two words
- Alot = not a word
Alot is a cryptid. A Facebook myth. A thing people insist is real despite all evidence.
8. Separate / Seperate
- It’s separate
- Seperate is what happens when your autocorrect gives up and moves to Hilliard.
9. Weather / Whether
- Weather = rain, snow, Ohio doing all four seasons before noon
- Whether = if
Mix them up and now your sentence doesn’t know whether it’s raining or just emotionally unstable.
10. Customer / Costumer
- A customer buys your stuff
- A costumer makes you look like Captain Jack Sparrow
Confuse them and suddenly someone’s wearing a tricorn hat behind the counter at Big Lots.
11. Could’ve / Could of / Would’ve / Would of
- “Would have” is correct
- “Would of” is what happens when you trust your ears instead of your brain
English is spoken. Writing is supposed to be better than that.
12. Affect / Effect
- Affect = usually a verb (to influence)
- Effect = usually a noun (the result)
Mess this up and you’ll negatively effect—sorry, affect—your credibility forever.
13. Your / You’re
- Your = belongs to you
- You’re = you are
If you mix these up, you’re argument just lost your audience.
14. “I seen” vs “I saw”
- “I saw” is correct
- “I seen” is what your brain says when it clocks out early
New year. New verbs.
15. Apostrophe-S (Plural vs Possessive)
- Apostrophes do not make words plural
- They show ownership
No, your sign does not need to advertise “Pizza’s $2”. That pizza owns nothing.
16. Them / Those
- “I saw those horses trampling Rebecca”
- “I seen them horses tramplin’ Becky”
Do you seen the difference?
So what?
Someone is already typing:
“You know what I mean”
“Context is enough”
“Why does this even matter?”
It doesn’t matter… until it does.
It matters on a résumé. It matters on a college application. It matters on a dating profile, a job email, or literally anything where you’d like to appear as though you have your act together.
Good habits when it doesn’t matter are what save you when it really matters.
Also: if you’re annoyed by this post, congratulations — you read it closely enough to understand it.
So, before you hit Post, take five seconds to reread what you wrote. Your friends, your former English teachers, and the entire Grove City internet thank you.
We believe in you.
Mostly.
