UNITED STATES — Linguists at The Ohio State University have confirmed what many already suspected: Americans will create an entire new language rather than simply say “dog” or “cat.”
The study found that pet owners commonly rotate through terms such as “fur baby,” “goodest boy,” “doggo,” “pupper,” “meow-meow,” “floof,” “chonker,” and “void,” all while steadfastly avoiding the perfectly serviceable English words already available.
“It’s not a cat,” insisted local resident Amanda P. “It’s my son, Mr. Meowkins, Esq. And he is a brave warrior who protects me from moths.” Amanda then pulled out a scrapbook labeled “Baby Book” featuring 600 photos of “her son” licking a cardboard box.
Other Americans have reportedly begun coining even more terms to expand the lexicon. Dogs are now referred to as “wag machines,” “bark nuggets,” and “floor sausages,” while cats are known as “murder mittens,” “purritos,” and “keyboard gremlins.”
Experts warn the linguistic drift could soon spiral out of control. “At this rate, by 2030 the word ‘dog’ will be legally replaced with ‘Pupperino Supreme Deluxe 3000,’ and no one will remember what a cat actually is,” said Dr. Lionel Harris, chair of the Department of Animal Semiotics.
Critics argue that this obsession with cute terminology only serves to further infantilize pets and devalue humans. “You’re not a mom,” said neighbor Carl H., glaring at a woman pushing a dachshund in a stroller. “That’s not a baby. That’s a hot dog with anxiety.”
At press time, the American Dialect Society voted unanimously to add “smol bean” to the dictionary, where it will sit between “smog” and “smolt,” confusing future generations forever.
