BEXLEY, OH — A groundbreaking linguistic study released this week by the Capital University Center for Adult Communication (CUCAC) has confirmed that the phrase “grown ass” serves as a reliable linguistic indicator that the speaker is, in fact, not grown in any meaningful sense.
According to the 42-page paper, titled “Lexical Overcompensation in Self-Perceived Maturity: The ‘Grown Ass’ Paradox,” researchers found a 97% inverse correlation between use of the phrase and the actual behaviors associated with adulthood.
“We were initially surprised,” said Dr. Lillian Bronte-Perez, lead author of the study. “But when someone says, ‘I’m a grown-ass man,’ they are statistically seconds away from doing something that disproves it — often involving a Mountain Dew, a PS5 controller, or a Facebook argument about gas prices.”
Chart 1: Correlation Between Use of “Grown Ass” and Adult Behavior
| Behavior Observed | % of Subjects Using “Grown Ass” | |
|---|---|---|
| Pays bills on time | 4% | |
| Knows how to fold a fitted sheet | 1% | |
| Argues online about “respect” | 86% | |
| Posts memes about cutting people off “for peace” | 91% | |
| Owns a ring light | 73% |
The paper notes that “grown ass” appears most frequently when the speaker feels their adulthood is being questioned, typically following phrases like “I don’t need permission” or “I do what I want.” Researchers describe this as “compensatory language,” akin to a teenager saying “I’m totally fine” through tears.
“It’s similar to how a real adult just quietly does adult things,” explained co-author Dr. Gavin Leung. “They don’t have to preface their actions with ‘grown ass.’ You don’t see a CPA saying things like, ‘I’m a professional-ass accountant’ before filing taxes.”
Despite the findings, public use of the phrase continues to rise. The report cites TikTok as “a major driver of linguistic regression,” noting a 340% increase in “grown ass” usage among users aged 27–42 — a demographic researchers have labeled “delayed fledglings.” Dr. Bronte-Perez remains cautiously optimistic:
“We can’t stop people from saying ‘grown ass,’ but we can educate them,” she said. “The first step to maturity is admitting that you shouldn’t have to tell anyone you have it.” The full study will be published in the upcoming issue of The Journal of Behavioral Irony. A follow-up paper, “The Semiotics of ‘Adulting’: An Extended Whine,” is expected later this year.