GROVE CITY, OH — A newly released report from the Center for Political Politics has concluded that increased exposure to politics may cause dangerously high levels of additional politics.
“We found a strong, consistent correlation between politics and more politics,” said Dr. Janice Wetherby, lead researcher and part-time sigh enthusiast. “In some cases, individuals who engaged in politics more than three times a day began experiencing symptoms of chronic politics — such as arguing with their toaster, posting memes about senators, or starting podcasts.”
The study surveyed over 1,000 Americans, 900 of whom refused to participate once they learned the study involved politics. Those who completed it reported “fatigue,” “rage,” and “knowing way too much about some guy named Brad Wenstrup.”
Experts recommend a strict detox: turning off TV news, touching grass, and replacing every instance of “politics” in your day with “sandwich.”
“If you find yourself talking about politics while eating lunch,” Dr. Wetherby warned, “you now have a politics sandwich. That’s two politics too many.”
Despite the findings, lawmakers immediately held a bipartisan press conference to politicize the results — marking a record-breaking case of immediate, self-replicating politics.
