GROVE CITY, OH — As July approaches, Grove City enters its annual tradition of explosive noise, trembling dogs, emotional Facebook posts, and one guy named Gary who believes true freedom requires lighting military-grade fireworks every night until Labor Day.
Local dogs have begun their standard evasive maneuvers — hiding under couches, crawling into hampers, and vanishing behind toilets — while their humans prepare social media drafts titled “Please Think of the Fur Babies” and “Your Fireworks Are a Personal Attack on My Rescue Puggle.”
“It’s just cruel,” said Donna R., clutching a framed photo of her dog, Muffin. “He’s a child to me. A son. When the fireworks go off, he looks me in the eyes like I’ve failed him. I told my HOA they should issue citations. They laughed. And then they lit a sparkler.”
On the other end of the spectrum, residents like Gary M. — who owns six flags and one sense of proportion — are celebrating American freedom by launching high-velocity ordnance from his driveway every night starting June 25.
“I’m not saying I hate dogs,” Gary explained while holding a Roman candle in his mouth like a cigar, “but if Muffin can’t handle a little celebratory artillery, maybe Muffin should move to Canada.”
Gary’s nightly displays, which begin around 11:47 p.m. and end when someone calls the police or he runs out of Busch Light, have inspired a neighborhood group chat simply titled “Gary Again.”
Meanwhile, online communities are ablaze with conflicting demands: some calling for total firework bans, others declaring it “un-American” to acknowledge the existence of frightened schnauzers.
At press time, Muffin was found hiding behind the water heater, Gary was discussing buying mortar shells online, and the Grove City police were fielding simultaneous complaints from both sides, wondering aloud why July was still allowed to happen every year.