STRINGTOWN RD — After one too many incidents involving double-dipping, full-hand immersion, and finger-licking follow-throughs, diners at the Golden Corral on Stringtown Rd have reached a breaking point.
In a dramatic yet sticky town-hall-style vote held near the yeast rolls station, patrons overwhelmingly supported a resolution to replace the iconic chocolate fountain with an industrial-grade hand sanitizer dispenser.
“It’s a sad day,” said regular patron Marvin L., staring wistfully at the now-drained fountain while wiping ranch dressing off his wrist. “But watching a grown man lick his fingers clean, then go wrist-deep for a strawberry was the last straw. You ever see someone fish out a marshmallow bare-handed, licking between every grab? I have. It changes you.”
The vote followed the circulation of surveillance footage showing a woman meticulously licking all ten fingers after sampling the fudge stream—like she was conducting a symphony of bacteria—before using those same saliva-coated digits to test the temperature of the mashed potatoes.
“It wasn’t even the right station,” said shift supervisor Danielle, who claims she now flinches whenever she hears the words “finger food.” “I didn’t think I’d ever need to say this, but stop taste-testing with your knuckles.”
Patrons suggested the new hand sanitizer fountain include chocolate-scented gel “for nostalgia,” and possibly a warming feature “for winter months.” Others floated ideas like a Purell fondue night and custom sanitizer shooters to pair with meatloaf.
Golden Corral corporate has not responded to requests for comment, though an anonymous employee confided, “Honestly, anything to stop the guy who bites a chicken wing, licks his fingers, and then uses those same fingers to rearrange the brownies.”
“We’ve always prided ourselves on a no-judgment zone,” said assistant manager Steve R., straightening a promotional poster for “Melted Cheese Mondays.” “If a guy wants to eat directly from the gravy vat with a ladle, who are we to stop him? But customers seem to want the illusion of hygiene now, so we’re pivoting.”
At press time, a sign hung above the former chocolate fountain reading: “To all finger-lickers: this is not your personal tasting lab. Please cleanse before you tong.”