GROVE CITY — A local man left a scathing one-star Yelp review Monday after discovering a single hair in his food, then immediately got into his car and drove home to an environment experts describe as “wall-to-wall dog residue.”

The reviewer, who owns three dogs and refers to them collectively as “the boys,” expressed shock and betrayal at the presence of a lone hair in an otherwise edible meal, calling it “unacceptable,” “vile,” and “a clear sign no one cares anymore.”

Witnesses confirm that after posting the review, the man calmly returned to his vehicle, where dog hair reportedly coats the seats, the dashboard, the cup holders, and at least one unidentified sticky surface no one wants to think about too hard.

“He was visibly upset,” said a bystander. “Then he opened his car door and a puff of dog hair just… escaped.”

Upon arriving home, the man was greeted by his dogs, who immediately jumped on him, tracked in mystery debris from outside, and licked his hands, face, and possibly the inside of his mouth before he could remove his shoes. Those shoes, according to sources, were already damp.

The home itself is said to feature:

  • Floors routinely christened by paws that have been outdoors minutes earlier
  • Furniture permanently infused with fur, dander, and an aroma best described as “wet dirt”
  • A backyard that functions as an open-air bathroom with only a vague sense of boundaries

Despite this, the man remains confident the hair in his meal could not have come from him, his clothing, or the animals that shed year-round and treat personal hygiene as a suggestion.

“My dogs are clean,” the man reportedly said, moments before one of them scooted across the rug to address an itch.

Experts note that dogs regularly:

  • Lick themselves, each other, and whatever smells interesting
  • Walk through feces, then directly onto couches and beds
  • Shed constantly, regardless of season, biology, or vacuuming efforts

Still, the reviewer maintains that a commercial kitchen should meet a higher standard of cleanliness than his own living space, which he described as “normal for dog people.”

At press time, the man was seen sitting on his couch—covered in dog hair—petting a dog that had recently been outside, while drafting a follow-up comment insisting the restaurant “do better.”