MOUNT STERLING, OH — Local resident Brent Collier, 46, expressed outrage Monday over “soulless automation stealing honest American jobs,” despite admitting moments later that he “wouldn’t be caught dead” doing any of those jobs himself.
“I just think it’s sad,” said Collier, gesturing toward the self-checkout kiosks at a local grocery store. “These machines are taking work away from real people — you know, people who want to stand here for eight hours scanning soup cans while a line of customers sighs loudly at them. Not me, obviously, but people.”
Collier went on to list the many virtues of human employees, including “their warmth” and “their personal touch,” which he defined as calling off on Saturdays, asking for early pay advances, and spending fifteen minutes “just standing there” while the line backs up. “You can’t replace that kind of humanity with a robot,” he said solemnly.
Local business owners, however, told reporters that replacing humans with automation has drastically improved operations. “Our old staff used to call off three times a week, cost us a fortune in workers comp, and once managed to drop an entire register in the fryer,” said store manager Dana Kelly. “Now the kiosk just needs a reboot once a month, and it doesn’t post conspiracy theories on its lunch break.”
Still, Collier remained unmoved. “It’s not about money,” he insisted. “It’s about principle. Sure, a robot doesn’t need health insurance, payroll taxes, or a manager to mediate when it cries in the stockroom. But do you really want to live in a world where no one sighs audibly when you ask for extra ketchup?”
Witnesses say Collier grew increasingly animated, pointing to an automated burger grill behind the counter as “proof society has lost its humanity.” When asked if he’d consider working there instead, he laughed and said, “God no, I have a degree,” before clarifying that his degree was in communications and that he currently “does consulting stuff, sort of.”
“Brent’s concern is real,” said Dr. Naomi Yates, a sociologist who studies labor hypocrisy. “He wants the dignity of work preserved — just not his own personal involvement in it.”
Collier concluded his remarks by suggesting that the government “do something” to bring back jobs for “regular folks,” then ordered from a touchscreen kiosk and complained it didn’t take cash.
At press time, he was seen tweeting, “Robots are ruining society,” from a smartphone assembled by 12-year-olds.
