GROVE CITY, OH — Councilman Darren L. held a press conference Tuesday to announce his latest “major victory”: forcing the closure of a national chain store in town.
“Today I stood up to a big corporation and won,” Darren declared, beaming as if he had personally wrestled the deed from corporate headquarters.
For the 31 employees suddenly out of work, the celebration felt different. “Guess I’ll stand up to my landlord now,” said cashier Andrea M., carrying a box of personal items. “Maybe Darren can pay my rent while he’s busy collecting applause.”
The landlord of the property, now staring at an empty 2,500-square-foot building, was equally enthusiastic. “I’m thrilled,” he muttered. “Nothing says victory like vacancy.”
City officials quietly confirmed that the shutdown would also reduce tax revenue, but Darren brushed off concerns. “You can’t put a price on sending a message,” he said.
That message, however, didn’t seem to land. The parent company, which owns over 1,000 locations nationwide, simply shifted operations to another branch 15 miles away. “We appreciate Grove City’s interest,” the company wrote in a statement, “but this barely registers as a rounding error.”
Meanwhile, the empty storefront has already been repurposed — as a temporary warehouse for tumbleweeds, pigeons, and a banner reading “Coming Soon: Spirit Halloween.”
When pressed about the consequences, Darren doubled down. “Sure, jobs were lost, rent disappeared, and tax revenue evaporated,” he said, “but I gained a fantastic headline. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what public service is all about?”
