GROVE CITY, OH — Residents erupted in cautious enthusiasm Tuesday after news broke that a new business may be coming to town — with the important caveat that it must not be a bank, coffee chain, steakhouse, Mexican restaurant, fried chicken joint, nail salon, vape shop, data center, or anything else that has ever previously existed.
“We’re open to fresh ideas,” said longtime resident Debbie R, “But we don’t want another typical place. Give us something new, unique, and community-focused — you know, like the place that closed last year because no one went.”
The Grove City Chamber of Commerce confirmed that every time a developer proposes a business, locals immediately flood social media with variations of “We don’t need another one of those” or “Why can’t we get something different?” The definition of “different,” however, remains unclear.
Some ideas gathered from residents:
- More sit-down restaurants, but not Applebee’s, Chili’s, TGI Friday’s, or any place that serves food.
- A family-friendly place, but no kids allowed.
- Definitely something with live music, but also absolutely no noise.
- Something unique, like Starbucks, but not Starbucks.
- We want local, but also national, but also cheap, but also upscale.
- Maybe a Dave & Buster’s, but smaller, quieter, with no games or food.
- Better internet and cell coverage, but no data centers.
Developers, increasingly baffled, are considering a compromise: a rotating “quantum business” that exists in all possible forms until observed. In theory, the location could be a steakhouse, laundromat, candle shop, and bird grooming salon all at once — until the loudest Grove City residents decide they hate it.
At press time, locals proposed replacing the incoming business with “just a nice park” — though half the comments said parks attract “the wrong kind of people” and the other half demanded pickleball courts but not those pickleball courts.
