STRINGTOWN, RD — In a landmark decision, the U.S. Department of Transportation has officially added Stringtown Road to the National Register of Parking Lots, recognizing its “outstanding and continuous service as a non-moving vehicle display area.”
The designation came after a years-long review process, during which inspectors confirmed that traffic on Stringtown routinely sits motionless for up to 17 hours a day, seven days a week, rain or shine, school drop-off or Taco Tuesday.
“Stringtown isn’t just a road,” said DOT representative Paula Trembley. “It’s a lifestyle. A monument to brake lights, honking, and existential dread.”
Locals responded with mixed emotions. Some expressed pride, while others remained stuck, trying to make a left turn out of Wendy’s, unable to comment.
Carl Henders, 58, was especially furious. “Back in my day you could drive across Stringtown in under 45 minutes. Now it’s just Chick-fil-A traffic and teenagers vaping in lifted trucks. I had to cancel my colonoscopy because I couldn’t change lanes.”
In honor of the listing, a commemorative plaque will be installed on a light pole near the Turkey Hill gas station, assuming construction crews can access the area sometime before 2029.
As of press time, Google Maps had updated Stringtown’s status from “Busy” to “Might as well walk.”
