SOUTHWESTERN CITY SCHOOL DISTRICT, OH — Local resident Carl Henders, 58, was seen standing in his driveway Tuesday afternoon yelling “Too much housing!” at a passing construction truck — all while sipping a Busch Light and sitting comfortably in the same home he’s lived in for over three decades.
“It’s just too much,” said Henders, gesturing vaguely toward a new development half a mile away. “Used to be cornfields. Now it’s townhomes with their Wi-Fi and their Teslas. Whole place’s gone soft.”
Sources confirmed Henders has no plans to move, downsize, or sell, despite home values increasing roughly 500% since he bought the property in 1991 for the price of a used lawnmower and a handshake.
“He tells everyone the city is overcrowded, but refuses to even consider Florida,” said his wife Brenda, who’s been secretly browsing Zillow.
Neighbors say Henders has filed at least four Facebook complaints this month about “too much traffic,” “too many kids,” and “too many people eating outside like it’s Paris or something.”
When asked where he thinks new families should live, he replied, “Not here. Somewhere else. Maybe Circleville.”
At press time, Henders was spotted angrily shouting at a cul-de-sac while grilling three bratwursts and watching Wheel of Fortune through his screen door.
