GROVE CITY, OH — Local homeowner and amateur hostage negotiator, Doug B., is baffled by the lack of takers for his generous offer of $3.50 to clean, scrape, tape, prime, and apply three coats of premium paint to what he lovingly refers to as “my murder basement.”
“All it needs is 72 hours of nonstop labor in total darkness,” Doug explained, pointing at the peeling walls, exposed wiring, and suspicious drain in the center of the floor. “That’s, what, like the price of a gas station hot dog? Seems fair.”
Doug says he based his budget on extensive research, including a quote from his grandmother in 1978.
Neighbors have expressed concern, both about the wage and about Doug’s repeated insistence that workers “ignore the chains on the wall” and “not mind the occasional screaming.”
Professional painters, meanwhile, say Doug is overlooking some industry standards. “Premium paint alone will run you $50 a gallon,” explained one contractor. “But sure, let me just go pick up six gallons, crawl into your dungeon, and pay you the difference for the privilege.”
Despite the pushback, Doug remains optimistic. “If no one bites on the $3.50, I might sweeten the deal. Maybe throw in half a Capri Sun. Workers love those.”
Until then, the basement remains unpainted, serving only its current functions: terrifying guests, confusing Zillow, and starring in every neighbor kid’s retelling of urban legends.
