GROVE CITY, OH — Area shopper Denise W. expressed genuine confusion this week after once again pulling her SUV directly into the yellow-painted, stencil-labeled fire lane in front of a local Kroger.
“I mean, it says FIRE LANE in all caps,” she explained, arms full of discounted Hamburger Helper. “That clearly means it’s for the most important customers. It’s right next to the entrance, too. Why would I park way out there by the cart corral like some kind of loser?”
Bystanders noted Denise remained parked in the lane for nearly 25 minutes, pausing only to lean out the window and wave at other drivers who hesitated behind her. “Don’t worry, I’ll just be a sec!” she shouted, before entering the store to begin what witnesses described as a “leisurely, unhurried shopping experience."
Local firefighters, when reached for comment, clarified that the fire lane is designed exclusively for emergency vehicles. Denise, however, dismissed this explanation. “If it’s such a big deal, why don’t they just make the fire truck smaller? Seems easier than me walking 20 extra feet.”
Reports indicate several other drivers began to eye the lane jealously, sparking debate over whether they, too, should seize a spot in what Denise referred to as “the VIP red carpet of parking.”
At press time, Denise was seen yelling at a delivery driver for blocking her exit. “Excuse me, sir,” she reportedly said. “Some of us actually need to use the fire lane responsibly."
