THE PINNACLE — Local resident Melissa D., 38, took to Facebook this week to decry what she calls the “tipping epidemic,” after being mildly inconvenienced by the presence of a tip screen at her local smoothie shop.
“Everyone wants a handout these days,” she posted, shortly after purchasing a $329 heated car seat and a custom-knit alpaca balaclava for her cat, Mr. Niblet, who famously “doesn’t like drafts or eye contact.”
Sources say Melissa regularly spends thousands each year on premium feline luxuries, including salmon oil diffusers, anxiety-reducing cat playlists, and a seasonal rotation of cashmere neckwear. But when it comes to adding an extra $2 to a lunch order, she draws the line.
“I work hard for my money,” she explained, from inside a local boutique while shopping for hypoallergenic paw wax. “And tipping should be earned. Like when my cat curls up exactly in the middle of my weighted blanket. That’s a service.”
Melissa’s server, who has memorized the preferred oat milk ratio of 73 customers, smiled politely and offered her a loyalty punch card. She declined, saying she only uses cards “with Mr. Niblet’s face on them.”
When asked if she felt any contradiction in her spending habits, Melissa replied, “I’d tip if I was getting something meaningful in return. Like a silent nod of respect for my cat. Or if the barista offered Reiki.”
At press time, Mr. Niblet was refusing to wear the balaclava and was instead sitting on Melissa’s laptop keyboard, quietly judging.
