Business

An empty store front with a sign in the window reading 'coming soon, but you won't like it'

Residents Excited for New Business, As Long As It's Not Literally Any of the Ones That Ever Open

GROVE CITY, OH — Residents erupted in cautious enthusiasm Tuesday after news broke that a new business may be coming to town — with the important caveat that it must not be a bank, coffee chain, steakhouse, Mexican restaurant, fried chicken joint, nail salon, vape shop, data center, or anything else that has ever previously existed. “We’re open to fresh ideas,” said longtime resident Debbie R, “But we don’t want another typical place. Give us something new, unique, and community-focused — you know, like the place that closed last year because no one went.” ...

Cartoonish pile of rejected résumés outside stores with 'Now Hiring' signs

Man Who Complains About Local Employers All Day Mystified That Local Employers Won't Hire Him

GROVE CITY, OH — Local man Thon Vesper, who has spent the last six months publicly criticizing nearly every business within a 20-mile radius on Facebook, is reportedly “shocked” and “deeply confused” that none of those businesses are calling him back about job applications. “I just don’t get it,” said Thon, while typing a 700-word post about how Big Joe’s Tire and Lube is “a front for incompetence and corporate greed.” “I’ve applied everywhere—Kroger, Moo Moo, even that one boutique with the decorative chickens. No callbacks. Nothing. Just silence.” ...

A pot smoking long-haired man wearing tie-dye enjoys a stinky joint that combines smells with a landfill, 4 people looking on are holding their noses.

Locals Advocate for Dispensaries to Add Rich Layer of Skunk to Landfill Air

GROVE CITY, OH — Residents in favor of bringing marijuana dispensaries to Grove City say it’s time the town embraced a bold new aroma to complement its existing landfill bouquet. “Right now it’s all hot trash and mystery broth,” said local advocate Shane P., lighting a citrus-scented candle under his nose. “Adding skunk weed could turn this into a total smell disaster.” Opponents argue that dispensaries would only worsen the town’s olfactory profile, which currently ranks somewhere between burning mulch and expired hoagie depending on wind direction. ...