Cats

UNITED STATES — Linguists at The Ohio State University have confirmed what many already suspected: Americans will create an entire new language rather than simply say “dog” or “cat.” The study found that pet owners commonly rotate through terms such as “fur baby,” “goodest boy,” “doggo,” “pupper,” “meow-meow,” “floof,” “chonker,” and “void,” all while steadfastly avoiding the perfectly serviceable English words already available. “It’s not a cat,” insisted local resident Amanda P. “It’s my son, Mr. Meowkins, Esq. And he is a brave warrior who protects me from moths.” Amanda then pulled out a scrapbook labeled “Baby Book” featuring 600 photos of “her son” licking a cardboard box. ...

THE PINNACLE — Local resident Melissa D., 38, took to Facebook this week to decry what she calls the “tipping epidemic,” after being mildly inconvenienced by the presence of a tip screen at her local smoothie shop. “Everyone wants a handout these days,” she posted, shortly after purchasing a $329 heated car seat and a custom-knit alpaca balaclava for her cat, Mr. Niblet, who famously “doesn’t like drafts or eye contact.” ...