Dogs

UNITED STATES — Linguists at The Ohio State University have confirmed what many already suspected: Americans will create an entire new language rather than simply say “dog” or “cat.” The study found that pet owners commonly rotate through terms such as “fur baby,” “goodest boy,” “doggo,” “pupper,” “meow-meow,” “floof,” “chonker,” and “void,” all while steadfastly avoiding the perfectly serviceable English words already available. “It’s not a cat,” insisted local resident Amanda P. “It’s my son, Mr. Meowkins, Esq. And he is a brave warrior who protects me from moths.” Amanda then pulled out a scrapbook labeled “Baby Book” featuring 600 photos of “her son” licking a cardboard box. ...

GROVE CITY, OH — As July approaches, Grove City enters its annual tradition of explosive noise, trembling dogs, emotional Facebook posts, and one guy named Gary who believes true freedom requires lighting military-grade fireworks every night until Labor Day. Local dogs have begun their standard evasive maneuvers — hiding under couches, crawling into hampers, and vanishing behind toilets — while their humans prepare social media drafts titled “Please Think of the Fur Babies” and “Your Fireworks Are a Personal Attack on My Rescue Puggle.” ...