GROVE CITY, OH — Local man Gary M., 58, once again expressed outrage this week after being mildly inconvenienced by the exact experience he willingly chooses every single day. “There were only two people working,” Gary barked into his steering wheel. “Back in my day, you had five kids on the grill, three on the register, and at least two adults with master’s degrees as managers. That’s how you run a restaurant.” ...
STRINGTOWN RD — After one too many incidents involving double-dipping, full-hand immersion, and finger-licking follow-throughs, diners at the Golden Corral on Stringtown Rd have reached a breaking point. In a dramatic yet sticky town-hall-style vote held near the yeast rolls station, patrons overwhelmingly supported a resolution to replace the iconic chocolate fountain with an industrial-grade hand sanitizer dispenser. “It’s a sad day,” said regular patron Marvin L., staring wistfully at the now-drained fountain while wiping ranch dressing off his wrist. “But watching a grown man lick his fingers clean, then go wrist-deep for a strawberry was the last straw. You ever see someone fish out a marshmallow bare-handed, licking between every grab? I have. It changes you.” ...