Jobs

MOUNT STERLING, OH — Local resident Brent Collier, 46, expressed outrage Monday over “soulless automation stealing honest American jobs,” despite admitting moments later that he “wouldn’t be caught dead” doing any of those jobs himself. “I just think it’s sad,” said Collier, gesturing toward the self-checkout kiosks at a local grocery store. “These machines are taking work away from real people — you know, people who want to stand here for eight hours scanning soup cans while a line of customers sighs loudly at them. Not me, obviously, but people.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — Local man Thon Vesper, who has spent the last six months publicly criticizing nearly every business within a 20-mile radius on Facebook, is reportedly “shocked” and “deeply confused” that none of those businesses are calling him back about job applications. “I just don’t get it,” said Thon, while typing a 700-word post about how Big Joe’s Tire and Lube is “a front for incompetence and corporate greed.” “I’ve applied everywhere—Kroger, Moo Moo, even that one boutique with the decorative chickens. No callbacks. Nothing. Just silence.” ...