Language

GROVE CITY, OH — It’s a new year. A fresh start. A clean slate. A time for bold resolutions like “I’m going to post fewer blurry screenshots” or “I’m going to stop writing Facebook statuses like I’m fighting my keyboard.” You’ve learned to type. Truly. We’re proud of you. Unfortunately, the rest of us still have to read what comes out. So here’s a friendly, slightly judgmental New Year’s resolution guide to help your posts look less like they were written in the Stringtown Road Kroger parking lot at 9:47 pm. ...

BEXLEY, OH — A groundbreaking linguistic study released this week by the Capital University Center for Adult Communication (CUCAC) has confirmed that the phrase “grown ass” serves as a reliable linguistic indicator that the speaker is, in fact, not grown in any meaningful sense. According to the 42-page paper, titled “Lexical Overcompensation in Self-Perceived Maturity: The ‘Grown Ass’ Paradox,” researchers found a 97% inverse correlation between use of the phrase and the actual behaviors associated with adulthood. ...