Pets

GROVE CITY, OH — In a bold but widely expected move, Grove City Community Facebook Group has announced it will officially rebrand as Lost & Found & Found Again, reflecting its primary use: reporting the whereabouts of various pets, packages, and patio cushions. Sources confirm that as of this morning, the top posts were: Lost dog (tan, maybe brown, possibly named Waffles) Found dog (not Waffles) Lost package from Amazon, possibly stolen, definitely disappointing Found cat — possibly wild, possibly angry Lost package (again, Amazon, again mysterious) “Whose dog is this?” (photo attached, blurry, definitely not a dog) Found flip-flop on Alkire — “not mine but seems friendly” “Mechanic ??” - possibly about a missing mechanic. Found dog (it’s Waffles!), but got away “I came here for city updates,” said local user Denise R., “and now I’m emotionally invested in a missing ferret named Buttons.” ...

UNITED STATES — Linguists at The Ohio State University have confirmed what many already suspected: Americans will create an entire new language rather than simply say “dog” or “cat.” The study found that pet owners commonly rotate through terms such as “fur baby,” “goodest boy,” “doggo,” “pupper,” “meow-meow,” “floof,” “chonker,” and “void,” all while steadfastly avoiding the perfectly serviceable English words already available. “It’s not a cat,” insisted local resident Amanda P. “It’s my son, Mr. Meowkins, Esq. And he is a brave warrior who protects me from moths.” Amanda then pulled out a scrapbook labeled “Baby Book” featuring 600 photos of “her son” licking a cardboard box. ...

THE PINNACLE — Local resident Melissa D., 38, took to Facebook this week to decry what she calls the “tipping epidemic,” after being mildly inconvenienced by the presence of a tip screen at her local smoothie shop. “Everyone wants a handout these days,” she posted, shortly after purchasing a $329 heated car seat and a custom-knit alpaca balaclava for her cat, Mr. Niblet, who famously “doesn’t like drafts or eye contact.” ...

GROVE CITY, OH — As July approaches, Grove City enters its annual tradition of explosive noise, trembling dogs, emotional Facebook posts, and one guy named Gary who believes true freedom requires lighting military-grade fireworks every night until Labor Day. Local dogs have begun their standard evasive maneuvers — hiding under couches, crawling into hampers, and vanishing behind toilets — while their humans prepare social media drafts titled “Please Think of the Fur Babies” and “Your Fireworks Are a Personal Attack on My Rescue Puggle.” ...