Phones

MOUNT STERLING, OH — Local resident Brent Collier, 46, expressed outrage Monday over “soulless automation stealing honest American jobs,” despite admitting moments later that he “wouldn’t be caught dead” doing any of those jobs himself. “I just think it’s sad,” said Collier, gesturing toward the self-checkout kiosks at a local grocery store. “These machines are taking work away from real people — you know, people who want to stand here for eight hours scanning soup cans while a line of customers sighs loudly at them. Not me, obviously, but people.” ...

COLUMBUS, OH — Patients awaiting their appointments were treated to an unplanned soundscape Tuesday when a woman’s phone erupted with a ringtone described by witnesses as “somewhere between a car alarm and a wounded smoke detector.” Despite the piercing sound filling the room, the woman in question appeared committed to her performance of complete ignorance. She continued flipping through a six-month-old People magazine, eyes locked on an article about Ben Affleck’s coffee habits, while her phone blared from deep within her purse. ...